Be a Contagious Encourager!

When times are tough or when children face tough times, it’s natural to feel discouraged. However, both encouragement and discouragement are the most contagious of emotions. Effectively showing encouragement will help our children better cope with their health issues. 

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do you know what the opposite of encouragement is? It is generally the showing of frustration. Frustration creeps in as children grow older and parents start to realize they can’t control their children’s responses to their illnesses but somehow still think they should!

Show your children encouragement by the pleasure you display when you turn over increasing responsibility for healthcare to your children.  Start with small, steady increments in the early elementary years. “Wow, I bet you feel pretty good about the job you did on that!” Or, “How are you feeling about the decisions you are making?”  Correct wording such as this puts the problem on the resistant child while providing the child a sense of accomplishment for making healthy decisions. 
                       
As noted, the positive attributes of Encouragement are contagious. Simply saying, “I bet you are proud of how you remember your medicine” is more effective than saying, “I’m proud of the way you take your medicine.” Effective communication is easily learned and especially effective for kids with special healthcare needs. We give many examples in our book, Parenting Children with Health Issues.

Praise and encouragement are very different. The better the parent/child relationship, the better praise works, but praise can be used to manipulate both sender and receiver. Encouragement through questions puts the healthcare issues and results directly on the child. Questions promote a high self-image and allow the adult to express both joy and disappointment while encouraging the child to think. 

Love and Logic, a popular parenting program, teaches that curiosity and interest about self-care issues almost always trump worry and concern, just as ideas and thoughts trump advice, suggestions, and pleading. Questions give resistant children less adult emotion to manipulate but do show curiosity and interest. For example, asking a difficult child, “How do you always manage to remember to take your medicine?” is generally more effective than, “Good job on remembering your medicine.”

Descriptive phrases help children focus on and evaluate their accomplishments, treatment decisions, and results rather than provide the child with outside judgments. Resistant children can easily negate non-descriptive praise for a number of reasons. “I notice that…” is a good way to begin a descriptive phrase.

So use descriptive phrases, ask lots of questions, and keep your frustration from showing. Your children will feel good about themselves from the inside out rather than needing your approval to feel successful and encouraged.  
                                                           
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Visit www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com for articles, Ask Dr. Cline, and free audio. The book Parenting Children with Health Issues: Essential Tools, Tips and Tactics for Raising Kids with Chronic Illness, Medical Conditions and Other Special Needs by Foster Cline, M.D and Lisa C. Greene is available online and in bookstores. 


Dr. Cline is a well-known child psychiatrist, author, and co-founder of the popular Love and Logic parenting program. Lisa Greene is the mother of two children with cystic fibrosis and a family life educator.

Children and Responsibility: Teach your children take control of their health

Responsibility. Parents want their kids to take more of it and kids just don’t want it. Responsibility is kind of like that gooey, green slime kids love to play with. It oozes around in a family and can slither off in all different directions. Parents can easily slosh, slip and fall when carrying ooze that should belong to the kids. It’s pretty frustrating to slip on ooze that someone else should have scooped up! The ebb and flow of responsibility becomes very important when life and death issues are present in a child’s life.

Help for the Holidays: Tips for Staying Sane and Safe

The holidays can be a time of great joy and stress especially when you have a child at home with special medical needs. A little planning ahead can help make the holidays go smoothly.  

Survival Skills for Taking Young Children to the Medical Clinic

Photo by PhotoStock

It was about 12:30pm. I had been at the hospital in the specialty clinic now for nearly three hours with two young children, parked in a small room with an exam table and one chair. The kids were bouncing off the walls and I was ready to go out of my mind.

Did the doctor REALLY think I could absorb what she was saying to me? I could not understand half the words she was using. This "CF-thing" was still all so new to me. Yet, my two babies' lives depended on me. Sigh. I'd better get my act together. As my son melted down and my daughter started hanging on me, I really did not feel like parent of the year.

Turning Knowledge into Wisdom: Being an Effective Advocate

Sue has a serious chronic medical condition and visits many different doctors each month. She is on top of her medical situation and sometimes brings in new research papers to discuss with her team. When a new doctor prescribed her a medication without explaining what and why, she gently but firmly told him, "I am happy to follow doctor's orders as long as I understand them. When would be a good time to answer my questions?"

Sue is an advocate. She seeks accurate medical facts and information. She empowers herself with knowledge. But, knowledge is only half of the story. What good is knowledge without wisdom? Wisdom is knowing how to use knowledge effectively.

Sue sees herself and her doctors as a team. She believes in a collaborative approach to her medical care, however her style is not without conflict. There have been times when busy doctors with a brusque bedside manner didn't particularly like being "second-guessed", but Sue has a great way about her and it's hard not to like her. She is also able to detect when she is starting to get some resistance and goes into her "Conflict Resolution Mode", following these three steps:

Step 1. Show empathy and understanding for the other person's position. "Ohhh, it looks like you are super busy today and probably don't have time for my questions. I can understand that."

Step 2. State your position using "AND" and "I" language: "And I can take much better care of myself if I understand the reasons behind your decisions here."

Step 3. Suggest alternatives: "Is there a time that we could talk about this later by phone or even email? I won't take much of your time, I promise. I just have a few basic questions about what you are suggesting. Thank you for being willing to help me out."

Sue is a successful advocate for her healthcare because:

1. She is knowledgeable about her medical condition. She actively seeks accurate information from reliable sources.
2. She stands up for herself and isn't afraid to be assertive.
3. She is calm and respectful even in the face of resistance or conflict.
4. She doesn't take abrupt (some say "rude") medical professionals personally.
5. She is not demanding or threatening.
6. She doesn't tell others what they have to do but instead shares what her needs are.
7. She understands that having an effective approach is in her own best interest so she works hard at learning good communication skills.
8. She tries to be appreciative of the doctor's knowledge and expertise (even if she doesn't like the doctor as a person).
9. She understands that being an advocate is not the same as being pushy or aggressive.
10. She uses a collaborative approach to solving problems.

Sue knows that her good health is ultimately up to her and the choices she makes. As an effective advocate, she is prepared and empowered to make good decisions that will impact her life, and those who love her, for years to come.

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Lisa C. Greene is the mother of two children with cystic fibrosis, a certified parent coach, parenting educator, and public speaker. She is also the co-author with Foster Cline, MD of the award-winning Love and Logic® book “Parenting Children with Health Issues.”   For more information, visit www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com

Part Two: Dr. Foster Cline's response to Sympathy Trumps Reason

Okay, Lisa, I get your point: kids go for both positive and negative attention. However, your important and well- written example brings up another issue. Parents (and evidently hospital staff, too) get the behavior they overtly or covertly okay. In this case, evidently the staff’s conscious or unconscious response was: "Poor little three-year-old, feeling lonely… It’s understandable that he would pull out his oxygen tube to get company."

I'm sure most readers know that three-year-olds are among the brightest animals on earth! The only animals brighter are older human beings. And I don't mean to be up obnoxiously crass here, but any dog could quickly be taught not to engage in this type of behavior.

Most three-year-olds respond to firm requests, particularly when provided by a no- nonsense stranger. So I can't help but wonder if anyone went in and firmly explained to this little guy that pulling the tubing just won't work for him and perhaps set up some kind of reward for leaving it in. It would seem to me that this is at least worth a very good try as, if the child didn’t respond, there is an immediate alarm to ensure no harm.

Having hospital staff act as babysitters for this kid is a pretty expensive proposition. To me, this story may be a perfect example of how adult covert "permission" for obnoxious child behavior causes the unhappy adults more time, energy and strife while the adults never realize that in one way or another they okayed the behavior. Certainly this kid’s behavior worked for him.

I have a recent example of this type of covert permission. A neighborhood four-year-old tended to lose a lot of friends because he chewed on them! When I talked to his parents about it, they brought up his "need to bite"! Some parents live with whiny, rude or demanding kids and have grown to simply accept, expect, and covertly okay that behavior.

I'm very interested in seeing the responses to our posts, Lisa. Perhaps people will see me as an old curmudgeon.

Lisa’s Response:

Foster! Of course you are right! It makes perfect sense to give “setting limits” a try.  And, in fairness to the people involved, I don’t know whether or not they did. But, in my own sympathy for this little boy, I didn’t even ask!

As a mom of two children who spend a fair amount of time in hospitals, I couldn’t imagine leaving my three-year-old there alone for an extended period of time. So, my own feelings caused me to commiserate with the nurse telling the story who is a caring medical professional as well as a loving, attentive mother. We both felt bad for this little boy.

As I read your response, I see it so clearly now. Isn’t it interesting how our own feelings about a situation can cloud our judgment when it comes to responding to children in intense situations? Whether a parent or a medical professional, this is a very important point.  

Thanks for helping me see it. I hope others can learn from this, too.

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Part One: Sympathy Trumps Reason: How Feelings Can Cause Ineffective Parenting Responses

At a recent workshop for parents of children with cystic fibrosis, I (Lisa) was talking with a nurse about kids who will do the craziest things to get attention.

She told me about a little boy who was about three years old and admitted to the hospital. Sadly (and for reasons unknown to me), his parents were unable to be there, so this little boy was basically on his own with the hospital staff.  In case you don't know, hospitals generally do not have the staffing to keep someone in the room full-time with a child. They do what they can with nurse visits, volunteers, and child life specialists but there are times when the child will be alone.

So, this little boy was in his own room, hooked up to lots of monitors and also needed oxygen to breath properly (I do not know the specifics of his medical condition). 

As the nurse tells the story:

"I had just checked on him and he was doing fine so I went to check on my other patients. All of the sudden, I heard "Code" over the intercom and it was my little patient!

So, I ran into the room along with the resuscitation team and discovered that his oxygen tube was disconnected. His lips were blue. So, we fixed him right up and he was fine. I spent some time with him to make sure he was doing okay but then I needed to attend to my other patients so I told him I'd be back soon and left.

About a minute later, you guessed it, "Code!" I ran into the room and there he was: sitting in bed, tubing unplugged, blue lips, and a great big smile on his face. Hmmmm. Now, I am starting to get suspicious. I re-hooked up the oxygen and tried to make sure there was no way he could unhook it accidently. Then, I left. And yes, minutes later came the code.

That little stinker was unhooking his oxygen tube! He figured out that when he did, people came running. At three years of age! I couldn't believe it. So, he got his wish. We set up full-time monitoring when he was awake with volunteers and assistants. Poor little guy, you could hardly blame him, really. I felt bad that he was there all alone and apparently, he did, too!"

This is a great example of how far kids (and some adults, too) will go to get attention. Even negative attention is better than no attention.

So parents, it's important to give your kids enough attention so that their little "love cups" are full and they don't have to act out to get you to notice them.  Even just fifteen or twenty minutes of undivided attention each day can make a difference. This of course applies to siblings of children with special needs, too.

Be sure to look into their little eyes, give them plenty of touch and hugs, and really listen to what they are saying. Be engaged, interested, and responsive. You'll be building a bond a bond that will last for a lifetime.

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